Attending an all girls high school made me driven and assertive, striving for excellence, knowing I could measure up to any man and do anything I put my mind to. Consequently, when I got to college, I put my mind to playing soccer (football) with the guys. They often complained that I played too rough. In my defense, they were missing the ball and tripping over me...so not my fault. One cold day we were out in the park playing and I was given the position of goalkeeper. As a ball made its way to the goal and I punched it away, my right thumb got hit and I gasped in pain. The guys stopped, looked at me noticing I was in pain and one friend came over, pushed my thumb back and said "Be a man." So, at the age of seventeen before even becoming a woman, I was told to "be a man".
On another occasion, a group of us decided to go to the park to play soccer in the rain. Unfortunately, the ball accidentally fell in the troubled waters under a bridge. None of the men volunteered to go in after the ball. Wanting to prove myself "da man", I jumped in, traversing the murky pool to obtain the precious prize. They were in shock and thought I was crazy, but I went where no other man would go - in the polluted pond.
Years later, the advice I was given to "be a man," I passed on to the men in the Young Adults group which I led. As we sat around my kitchen table late at night, I would admonish the guys to become men and take the lead. Again, I found myself in a polluted pond, put this time I was contributing to the pollution. My motives were right, but my positioning was wrong. I knew these men had the potential to be great spiritual leaders, but I shouldn't have been the one to be directing them on this path at my kitchen table late at night.
I guided the ministry with a strong hand. One friend told me that if someone had a fly on his head most people would use a fly swatter, while I would use a pick ax. My words were harsh, but could easily be backed by scripture. After all, I was making an army of men who would become spiritual giants. Well, you might have already guessed that it didn't work out too well. I may have become more of the man I thought they should be, while not even knowing how a man ought to be.
One of my pastors and spiritual fathers told me that I was "like a man." That really hit me. No one had ever told me that before. I thought my cold calculated emotions and the lack of the ability to really have a good cry was just the way I was supposed to be - I was being a strong woman, not the likeness of a man. But, I knew deep down he was right and there began my quest for womanhood.
It has been approximately five years and I am not there yet. I endeavor to be that 1 Peter 3:4 woman who has "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." Now I am glad, that it is spirit that has to be quiet and gentle, because when I watch my Steelers play American football I have to be sequestered - you never know who I will hit and how loud I will get.
But, I am still waiting for that beautiful gentle and quiet spirit to be totally unveiled in me. In some translations of the Bible the word "meek" is used for gentle. I had gone to Barnes and Noble and realized there weren't many books on meekness, so I ordered a couple in order to study my way into meekness. Ok, acting meek doesn't mean that I am really meek, so right now I am giving myself over to the Holy Spirit for Him to do His work of transformation in me as I continue my journey into womanhood.
Now I have been asking God to change me and I have been using this song below, Empty me by William Murphy as a theme song as I want God to search my heart and take anything away that is not of Him.
To be continued...
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