Finding Lost Intimacy

I look around and so many marriages are going awry. The romance is lost and the love has all but gone. This was not the way it was meant to be. "'Til death do us part", has now become, "I will be with you until you annoy me, then we will part." Marriage has somehow lost its meaning. It is no longer God's way. Instead, each person involved takes an individualistic point of view and believe the other person is there to please him or her. Self sacrifice is almost unheard of.

It is no wonder that the Church's relationship with Christ seems also to be on shaky ground. This relationship is likened to that of a wife and husband. When the marital bonds fall apart so frequently, how then are you supposed to truly understand being the bride of Christ? It is imperative that we figure out a way of Finding Lost Intimacy.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25 

This story has been going around by e-mails for a few years now. Many bloggers have posted it also. Whether true or not, this is quite a profound story. 

Carrying My Wife 

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting cancer for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

Needing to be Broken Bread

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. Mark 6:41-43

This is a very special passage, which is an impetus for my desiring to be "broken bread."  One may look at Jesus breaking bread at the Last Supper when he said that the bread was His body and think that this should be more poignant to me.  Without a doubt it is very profound.  But, it gives more meaning to Jesus breaking bread and feeding thousands.  

Jesus said His body was the bread. The Church is the body of Christ, so each member of the Church needs to be "broken bread."  In John 6, Jesus describes Himself as "The Bread of Life."  By no means am I equating us with Jesus, but we should follow the way of the Master.  Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these..." John 14:12

In order for us to do what Jesus did, we too must be "broken bread."  However, the good news is that Jesus is the one who breaks us.  Before, He does this though, He gives thanks to the Father for us.  He knows the value of what He has in His hands.  Although, we may feel worthless and others may look at us as insignificant, in Jesus' hands we are more than enough.  None of the disciples thought that the five loaves could feed thousands, but Jesus knew the potential He held in His hands.  Nevertheless, it had to be broken for the latent possibility to be activated.  

Then it happened!!! The thousands all ate and were satisfied, and there were a dozen baskets of broken pieces of bread and fish left over.  When Jesus' blesses, He blesses abundantly.  We just need to trust Him and place ourselves in His hands, so that we can be His miracle for those around us.  Our brokeness is not just for us, it is for others to get life.

I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world. John 6:51

Are you ready to be Jesus' flesh to be given for the life of the world?  If yes, then you must be Needing to be Broken Bread.

Delightful Desires

One of my favorite chapters in the Bible is Psalm 37.  And, one of the verses often quoted from this chapter is:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

It is no surprise that this is a favorite verse for many people.  I used to love quoting this verse and I still do.  But now, as I mature in my walk with Christ, its meaning is more profound.

Seriously, how many of us would desire to be humiliated, persecuted, wrongly accused or shunned?  Any   takers?  Well, when we desire to follow Christ, then we follow His way, which means we will often encounter much of what He did when He walked on this earth.

Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. John 15:20

I don't hear of many people naming and claiming persecution. On the contrary, we are believing for the luxury car, mansion and a fantastic lifestyle.  After all, they are rightfully ours, since we are royalty - children of the Most High King. Unfortunately, we fail to realize that God's kingdom is opposite of that of the world's.

Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring. All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.  2 Thesslonians 1:4-5

There goes all my mountaintop experiences.  You see, I would rather stay on the mountaintop where all is well and I can truly celebrate Christ for all He has done for me. However, it seems that Paul was saying that he was boasting of the perseverance of the saints while they were being persecuted and going through trying periods, and because of all this suffering, God judged them worthy of His kingdom.  

It is in these wilderness and valley experiences that our faithfulness and love for Christ are truly tested.   When we can love Him and praise Him, in spite of everything, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17

These are the saints who will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Matthew 25:31 If we are not ready to serve and suffer, then we cannot be really called heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ.  We want the prize without the pressure.  But, God has something else in mind for us.  He has His desires and it is for us to fulfill His vision.

We are not quite prepared for the bumps and bruises that must come if we are going to be turned into the shape of the vision. We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to be battered into the shape of the vision to be used by God? The beatings will always come in the most common, everyday ways and through common, everyday people. --Oswald Chambers

When we delight in someone, we long to fulfill their will.  We become "soft" when we are in their presence and we are at their beck and call, ready to comply with any wish or command. Desiring to satisfy their desires, we will face unfavorable circumstances to give them joy.  When we make the decision to be God's vision, we should consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. (paraphrased, James 1:2) Then, we will become the Lord's delight.

For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation. Psalm 149:4

God delights in us when we are humble, righteous, patient during trials and trust completely in Him.  He will give us our crown of salvation, which we got in exchange for Christ's crown of thorns.  Lest we forget, Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

The joy set before Jesus was giving us salvation. He delighted in us so much, that He looked beyond the pain of the cross, humbled himself and became the perfect sacrifice to save us from our sinful ways. Jesus' love for us made Him endure the cruelty of His crucifixion, so we could be partakers in His glory. 

Will our love for Jesus, give us joy to endure our cross? Are we truly ready to delight in the Lord, and become His delightful desire?

My Desire - Kirk Franklin & Fred Hammond

Tear Down This Wall

History reminds us of the Berlin wall, which was built to keep the people of East Germany from escaping their totalitarian ruled country. The 40th president of the United States, Ronald Reagan, recognized that the East Germans had spent far too long in the wilderness locked behind their wall. Therefore, he gave a message about freedom in which he called for their leader to "Tear down this wall."

The wall was eventually torn down. But, how many of us are like these East Germans who are imprisoned by walls of our own making? Many of us are fortified cities with walls that imprison us while keeping others out. Our walls are constructed with stones of mistrust, hate, jealousy, selfishness, anger, rejection, guilt, shame and fear; which are strongly cemented by unforgiveness. These are tough walls to crack.

We hide behind our fortification - a facade of fallacy. Far too often, we are also trying to hide from God.

The sons of Israel did things secretly which were not right against the LORD their God. Moreover, they built for themselves high places in all their towns, from watchtower to fortified city. 2 Kings 17:9 

Somehow we think we are safe from the watchful eyes of an All-knowing God. However, we unknowingly hurt ourselves, believing we are protecting ourselves by creating strongholds that are buttressed by our pain. These strongholds are defense mechanisms built to protect our pride, making us cold and withdrawn, or sometimes arrogant becoming belittling and belligerent. Our Heavenly Father waits for us to give up our sinful strongholds, so that He will become our only Stronghold.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2

Although, I understand why we build walls of protection, it doesn't make it right. Our walls do not allow us to accept the gift of freedom which Jesus offers us. We are not only blocking out problems, we also inadvertently put up a barrier, keeping out our Protector, Provider, Prophet and Priest. We are now at more risk for hurt behind our walls, hindering the flow of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We must trust God to be our fortress, and Jesus to be our gate.

 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. John 10:9

Not only will we be saved, but we will be safe when we allow Jesus to be our gate. He will let in what needs to come in our lives and lock out what doesn't belong there. Jesus will know what is best for us and when, even though it may not feel good. We must realize that pain can have purpose, and problems can have positive potential.  When Jesus is our gate we can securely walk in freedom, no matter the situation.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

I believe their are spiritual lessons to learn from the fall of the Berlin Wall, and President Reagan's words ring true for us today.

"Come here to this gate! ... open this gate! ... tear down this wall!"

Let us open our lives to Jesus, and tear down our walls, so that we can take refuge in our Lord, our Protector. Let us become the city of God.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Psalm 46:4-7

Redeemed to Redeem

For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. 1 Peter 1:18-19

It is interesting and actually fruitless how we try to buy our own way back into a "good life."  We have fooled ourselves if we think that money, big houses, luxury cars and our influence can "make" us.  If we lose all these, then we are nothing in the sight of the world.

I looked up the word "redeem" and I love the definitions in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary. 

Definition of REDEEM
1  a : to buy back : repurchase

b : to get or win back

2

: to free from what distresses or harms: asa : to free from captivity by payment of ransomb : to extricate from or help to overcome somethingdetrimentalc : to release from blame or debt : cleard : to free from the consequences of sin

3

: to change for the better : reform

4

: repair, restore

Jesus purchased us with his blood.
And they sang a new song: “You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation.  Revelation 5:9

Jesus is our ransom.
For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant. Hebrews 9:15

What Jesus has done for us, enables us to reform our attitudes towards life.
This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Reform your ways and your actions, and I will let you live in this place. Jeremiah 7:3

If we are Jesus' disciples, we too should help to repair the broken people and restore the fallen.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. Isaiah 58:12

Jesus has done all this for us. Why then do we walk around less than conquerors?  We run after the things that lead to death, wanting more and more material possessions.  Yet, what we really need is to accept the redemption of Christ and live it out.

We are FREE!!! However, we turn away from liberty and become enslaved by our own selfish greed and pride.  We walk in fear of man while spurning the love of Christ.  Whine over our wounds, instead of harmonizing with our Healer.  

At some point we need to realize that our redemption is not about us.  We are set free by Jesus to go and set others free.  When we recognize this and realize God's purpose in our lives by living it out, then we will bear fruit of the Spirit. People will be able to see that we are connected to the Vine, and they too will want to be engrafted in this amazing Tree of Life, so they will have the abundant life.  Having seen lives transformed, we will know we have been redeemed to redeem.

Man Up - Be the Proverbs 31 Man

I admit I used to be scared of the word submit and I also had an aversion to the Proverbs 31 woman.   What really bugged me about this woman was this:

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

Seriously now?  Here is this dude chilling at the city gate with the other guys, while his wife is working hard, getting up when it's still dark, buying fields, planting vineyards, and managing her household among a number of other things.  This just made me mad as I felt that this lazy man was taking advantage of his wife and she was letting him get away with it.  I would not have been dealing with such a man.

But then, I looked closer at this man. How did he get such a wonderful woman who had this noble nature and who was involved in so many industrious initiatives.  Verse 10 asked "A wife of noble character who can find?"  Well, he sure did, didn't he?

That must not have been an easy task as she is worth far more than rubies (v. 10).  He had to have some good qualities himself to attract this woman and better yet, get her father's permission to take her as his wife.  I believe her Father knew her value and would not have let her go to just any man.  

So, who was this man?  He was one of the elders in the community.  And, he was not sitting idly by just chit-chatting with the fellows.  The city gate was a marketplace where business was conducted and it was a public meeting place where important issues pertaining to the city were discussed.  This was an influential man who was taking responsibility for his community.  Consequently, he was a wise man to have chosen a wife who was adept at managing the home. 

This Proverbs 31 man had full confidence (v. 11) in his wife.  He knew he could trust her to do what she had to do.  I believe he could trust her, because he too was trustworthy.  He honored and respected her, so he knew there was no reason for her to do anything else, but to bring him good, not harm (v. 11). She didn't have to worry about him cheating, gambling the money away or beating her.  She was confident in his love, knowing that he loved her, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.   (Ephesians 5:25)

This type of love gave her freedom and the peace of mind to explore new ventures and be all she could be. She didn't mind getting up early to take care of business, because her husband first loved her and expressed his love in a multitude of ways that made her want to work hard to give him a comfortable environment to live in. She didn't feel obligated, this was all for love, she was giving back to a man who loved her as he loved his own body. He took great care of her and she flourished in the warmth of his love.

He was a generous man, he encouraged his wife to give to the poor and help the needy.  After all, she was not the type of woman to do things behind her husband's back without his consent.  He knew she was a giving woman and supported her in sharing what they had.

A strong woman did not intimidate him, because he understood who he was as a man of God.  His wife's strength and dignity (v. 25) attracted him and so she could laugh easily and gracefully as he encouraged her to grow to be a mighty woman of God.    

This man also knew that his wife was wise and had faithful instructions (v. 26), which came from Biblical principles.  Being discerning, he understood that he should listen to her heartfelt words and this helped him in making better decisions, hence becoming greatly respected among the elders.  

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”  (Proverbs 31:28-29)

The Proverbs 31 man gets better and better as I dig deeper into his characteristics. He definitely knows how to treat his wife.  He adores her and appreciates her.  He won't allow his children to condemn her, but instead to commend her.  He tells her how wonderful she is and that there is no woman who could compare to her.  

This husband gives her the reward she deserves and he praises her works at the city gate (paraphrased v. 31). He doesn't just flatter her to her face, but celebrates her among his friends and co-workers.  He tells the world of her love for God, her gentle and quiet nature, and that there is no other woman for him. She is the woman who he has left his parents to cleave with, and he will never leave her or forsake her.  She is confident in his love because he is a man of noble character.    

I can see clearly now.  It is said that behind every good man there is a good woman, but it takes a wise man following Godly principles to find a good Godly woman.

Time for our modern men to Man Up and become a Proverbs 31 man!

Where Has All the Love Gone?

Lately, I have been hearing of so many marriages that are ending in divorce. In other cases, I am privy to the pretense within certain marriages as spouses tell me that they put up a front to show perfection.  Yet, behind the facade lies a home in ruins.

I have been praying. asking God why the covenant of marriage has been crumbling. Over the last few days He has given me the reason from the collapse during my devotions.  It is simply DISOBEDIENCE.  We are not following His teachings.

Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father’s who sent Me."  John 14:23-24

Not only are we, not loving each other, but we are not loving God.  If we did love Him as we should, we would obey His teachings and He would abide in us and our homes.  As Christians, we have taken the Lord's name in vain, by living our lives the way we want.  We make our plans asking God to bless them, instead of asking God what His plan is for our lives, so we can be a blessing to Him.

God wants our marriages to succeed, but we have not opened the door for Him to come in and make our hearts ready for what He has prepared for us.  We are not willing to watch and wait for His way and His timing.  Instead, we jump the gun, and like Usain Bolt in the 100 meter, we false start.  Then as everything goes wrong we run to God asking him to fix the problems we created from our own willful nature. And, if He doesn't fix it fast enough for us, then we take matters in our own hands, causing more hurt and heartache.

The solution to our problem is to continuously abide in Christ.

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." John 15:4-5
Our marriages are going nowhere if we are not connected to the Vine.  With getting nourishment from the Vine our marriages bear no fruit and dies.  Both parties should come into the marriage being one with  Christ.

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." John 15:11-13

Too many spouses are not on friendly terms. The home is a war zone. There is no joy in the family as we do not love one another as Jesus told us to.  If we would only obey His word, we would have His joy and we know that the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10).  Marriages are not strong today, they are built on shaky ground and lack joy. We need to follow God's instructions for marriage.  Wives should submit and work on having a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight. Husbands should be considerate of there wives and respect them. (Paraphrase 1 Peter 3:4-5 & 7) The husband should be willing to die for his wife, and the wife should be willing to live for her husband.

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another. John 15:16-17

Jesus has chosen us to be His disciples, to let His light shine throughout the world. Our marriages too, should be a beacon of light to a hurting world.  Unfortunately, Christian marriages are no different from those of the world.  We have perceived marriage to be like that of a Hollywood movie.  When we romanticize marriage, working arduously to have a fairy tale wedding day so we can live "happily ever after", our actions become incongruous with the principles of the Bible.  

Jesus is concerned with our image, since our image is supposed to reflect Him, not a Hollywood celebrity couple.  Becoming like Him, means long suffering.  He uses our differences in marriage to smooth off our edges so we can look more like Him.  We grate on each other, but this irritation is necessary.  It doesn't feel like the "happily ever after" we expected, but it is what we need.  Nevertheless, this is not what we want so we opt out of the marriage as it is not pleasing us.  We never seem to understand that it is NOT about us, but rather the God in us.  

Our marriages are not really consummated (made complete) as we confuse contract with covenant.  We believe our agreement is just between each other, so we sign on the line and seal the deal with the act of intercourse, always in the back of our minds there is an option for out.  God's view is more than this.  He sees marriage as a covenant not just between a wife and husband, but it is an agreement with Him.

For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. 1 Corinthians 6:16-17

We are one in union with God 'til death do us part'.  Then, we don't have to ask, "Where has all the love gone?"

Toby Mac - Made to Love